{waiting}

This used to be my least favorite word. I would actually get upset with people if they prayed for patience on my behalf. There has always been a negative connotation  with this word for me. But in the last year and a half, it has become my new normal. Actually, it has always been my norm I just never noticed.

Within the last year and a half, God has been revealing things to me and placing certain desires on my heart. Although He reveals and places these things on my heart, I know that He is calling me to wait. Wait for Him to work everything out. He is calling me to wait and not get too ahead of myself and start planning. He wants me to wait for His perfect timing and to trust Him while He is working.

At first this has been so hard because all I wanted to do is claim my promise/'prize' from Him, right here, right now. But I have been learning to trust Him and know that He is in control. He knows and He WILL fulfill His promises but on His timetable. Somehow that has brought me peace. I am ok with waiting as long as He is right next to me. I am ok with waiting as long as I know that I am in His will. So, waiting isn't so hard when you are ok with not being in control. Surrendering all control...now that is the hard part.

Baby steps

I've always heard people say that when you break a bone, your body goes into shock and you don't feel the pain. That concept seemed so odd to me. I understood it but I never experienced it until two months ago when I broke my femur in a skiing accident. It's not that I didn't have any pain, I was just expecting it to be a lot worse. As the nurses were preparing me for the surgery 6 hours after the injury, all I could think about was the waffle fries I had earlier that day. 

The surgery came and went. Everything looked good. I was recovering pretty well. My friends and family came to visit me in the hospital with lots of flowers and gifts. My heart was happy and ready to go home and spend Christmas with my friends. 

I didn't come home until Christmas Eve. At home, everything was going well with the recovery. There was a lot of Netflix and plenty of naps. I was taking my pain killers as directed and was able to eat just fine. 

A few days after I came home, everything started to catch up with me. I started to process the accident and all the implications. Emotions rushed it. I started to bawl like a baby. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. On top of a physical injury, I was struggling emotionally and spiritually. All of a sudden I felt like everything crashed around me. I was believing lies about myself, my friends and life in general. I cried a bit more and then put a Netflix bandaid on the problem and went to bed. 

The next few days were extremely hard as the weakness, pain and nausea started to take over my body. The pain meds were causing bad side effects so I stopped taking them. Every morning I woke up with a migraine. Moving around on my own was not even a possibility as my parents thought I would faint if I was left unattended. I couldn't keep any food done nor did I have the desire to eat. I honestly just wanted to give up right there. That good and positive attitude I had in the beginning, yeah that was long gone! And remember the Netflix bandaid I put on my spiritual and emotional struggles? Well it was starting to come off and needed to be addressed as well. At this point, it has only been a week since the injury and yet I was ready for it all to be over.

That is when it hit me that I am so accustomed to this microwave culture. When I encounter a problem, I want to fix it as soon as possible. I want to see results in an instant. I want to fast forward to the end and be done with it. I don't want to wait.

But this injury has really taught me that sometimes all we can do is take baby steps...and that is OK! I don't know about you but I get so discouraged when I don't see progress. I am reminded over and over that real growth doesn't happen over night. It takes time. It takes a lot of work and often times is very painful. This is not your instant oatmeal, coffee or Instagram (haha). 

So it remains a constant struggle for me. I struggle being ok with baby steps. I struggle with letting God do His work in my life...one step at a time. But I am reminded of His grace and His perfect timing. I know that He never slumbers nor sleeps (Ps 121) and is always working in our lives. It helps to refocus my time and energy on Him and His strength. His mercies are new every morning and we can count on Him to come through everyday. And you know what? When we expect Him to come through, we start to notice Him in the smallest of things. We see little victories throughout the day and they become everything to us as we hold on to His promises and rest in His presence. 

 

May He alone be your Rock and Strength as your trust Him one step at a time! 

raw, real and beautiful

Want to hear something crazy? Sometimes I fail. Let’s be honest here, it’s more than “sometimes.” I fail at life. I fail my friends and family. I fail myself. I fail God.

There are days where I feel like a superstar. I wake up on time without an alarm. Do my devotions and then go make my own coffee and breakfast. I go to work and get a lot done. After work I make dinner and spend some time with family. I even prepare for my small group meeting and reach out to some of the members to see how they are doing. I find time to read books on the side and take steps to reach my dreams and plan my next vacation.

I know, I can accomplish a lot in one day if I put my mind to it. Funny thing is, I only have maybe a handful of these days every year. No joke. Often times my life feels more of a mess than anything else.

The reality is most days I snooze for 45 minutes after my alarm goes off. I am running late for work and never have time to eat. Once I am at work, I have a million things thrown at me. The day goes by quick but often times I feel so empty when I realize I didn’t spend any time meditating on God in the 8+ hours I was at work. I come home mentally drained and all I want to do is watch some TV or go to bed.

There are days that I forget to check in with my friends when I know that they need support. I forget to offer a listening ear but instead focus on my own problems.

There are days that I neglect to spend time with my family. Other times I’m simply rude to anyone that speaks to me.

Sometimes I commit myself to events and projects but then realize that I am too lazy to do it. I say I will help out with something and then forget about it. I love planning and organizing but there are days when my brain goes blank and I can’t think, forcing the people that were relying on my help to scramble- sorry.

And then there are days where I neglect God. I don’t seek Him throughout the day. I put Him on the back burner. You know, “just in case I ‘might’ need Him.” My time is filled with anything BUT personal time with Him. I try to fill myself up with other ‘good’ things. Sadly the only time I realize that I am lacking Jesus time is when everything else has failed to satisfy me.

I am a mess. Ok, maybe not a complete mess but nonetheless I am. I am human. On any given day I fail.

But guess what?! That’s OK! I used to be so afraid of my weaknesses. That somehow they made me less. Less of a Christian. Less of a friend. Less of a daughter. In reality, we aren’t perfect. If we were, we wouldn’t need a Savior.

The way I see it, our weaknesses give room for God to work in us. For Him to reveal Himself to us like never before. My weaknesses make me constantly aware of my need for Him. If my life was always perfect and peachy, if I never struggled and faced trial, I wouldn’t even think about seeking Him- that’s the reality. I would be depending on my own strength and wisdom.

This is how the Lord answered Paul’s plea in 2 Corinthians: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And then he goes on to say “for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

In our weaknesses, there are so many opportunities for God to work and for His name to be glorified.

In our days of social media, we all post only the best. The best pictures of ourselves. The best plate of food. The best outfits and the best vacations. It’s funny how we will go the extra mile to make our pictures look “just right.” Guilty! There is nothing wrong with posting the best. I get it. The thing is, often times we start to think that people in our social media networks have these perfect little lives. When in reality none of us will ever post a “bad” picture. I am not saying that we should start posting our bad pictures, struggles and who knows what. No. All I want to do is encourage you to be honest with yourself about your weaknesses and realize that it’s ok. None of us are perfect. Far from it. But most importantly be honest with God. Whatever is on your heart, be honest with Him. After all, He knows our hearts far better than anyone.

I found that there is something beautiful about being open and simple raw with God. I find peace in knowing that He has called me for a purpose and that He will sanctify me so that I will be blameless for the day of the Lord. When we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. How are we supposed to draw near to Him if we aren’t honest and real with ourselves about our struggles?

Dear soul, it is OK to be weak and broken. Let all your weaknesses point you back to Christ. His grace is enough. I am thankful for my weaknesses. It always draws my focus back to Him.

tyj 

trees, forests and everything in between

This past fall I went on a trip that easily became my favorite. My brother and I decided to take a few days off and go out to Yosemite and Sequoia national parks. I knew these places were beautiful but I had no idea how much I would fall in love with them. Simple things like the rays of sunshine shining through the big Sequoia trees as we drove through the mountains made everything feel magical as if we were in a fairytale. My friends and family know that I absolutely adore trees. You know, the big, tall, majestic redwoods and pine trees. This could not have been a better place to visit. All I wanted to do is stop in a middle of a forest and take it all in. I love the rich and crisp air in forests. I know, I am weird, but out of all the places in the world that I could be at, I would always pick the forest. It has so much character and life to it that it would be impossible to ignore this gem.

We spent some time hiking and enjoying the massive trees in Sequoia National Park. As we drove into the park, we saw significant sections of the forest damaged due to fires. It made me think how grateful I am to the firefighters that try to contain the fire in order to preserve the beauty of these parks. Some of those trees are as old as 3,000 years. I can’t imagine them burning down and leaving the forest empty. What struck me the most was the amount of large trees that had fire damage on them yet they were still standing and growing. We later learned that these trees basically need four things in their environment for them to grow and prosper. One of which was an ashy ground. I was a bit confused how a fire, something so damaging and hurtful, is able to be a good thing. Well, a fire clears out areas on the forest floor, which creates light and opportunity for other trees to continue to grow without fighting for resources. Once the trees have an opportunity to grow, obviously it takes a long time for them to become so big and beautiful. Not only that but it is strong from within. A tree to big and tall wouldn’t be able to withstand all the winds, storms and fires if it were empty and hallow on the inside. Another thing that blew me away was the fact that the roots of theses massive 300-foot trees were only 3 feet below the surface. Like what?! I couldn’t believe what I heard. I mean how can a tree so big hold itself up? It turns out that although the roots aren’t deep, they spread across, left and right, while interlocking roots with their neighbors and in turn support one another. Personally, I think this is the coolest thing ever!

You just received a mini lesson on trees, you’re welcome. There is something about nature that always draws me back to Him (maybe because He is the creator, haha?).  So many times on our faith walk we want growth to come overnight. We know what we want and we want it now. These trees remind me that growth doesn’t come in a blink of an eye. We need to give it time and let the Creator develop and guide our hearts to reflect His. He uses our most painful moments to make something beautiful. Many of the Sequoia trees came from ashes. Literally, the thing that brings hurt and pain doesn’t stop God from using it for our growth and His glory. It is mind blowing to know that there is nothing out of His reach. It was equally amazing to realize that we as followers of Christ are supporters of each other. We are not able to stand on our own. We need to look to our left and right and spread our roots and His love in every which way.

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me." 

~David Crowder

It's 3am

Do you ever wish your brain had an on and off switch? Usually after I had a busy day, I lay awake in the middle of the night with a million thoughts running through my head. My brain manages to remember and over analyze everything. 

I was laying in bed the other night and thinking about how a few hours ago I prayed over a dear friend as she brought her prayer requests to me. At this point I started to play the prayer over in my head and over analyze what I said and what I could have said. Sometimes I sit there and think, "wow, I should have said this and that in my prayer because that's what she needed to hear." 

But then it hit me that it's not me that knows what she needs. It's God. He uses us and leads our prayers with the Spirit that brings life. It's not me or my words that make a difference but instead my willingness to let Him speak through me into her soul. And to be honest, I'm glad it's this way otherwise I, in my selfish human ways, would want to take the credit for myself and not give all the glory to Him. I am just an instrument in His mighty hands. 

It's funny how when we are physically tired and exhausted, we can lay in bed and even then the enemy will try to destroy us with feeding us lies. 

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. http://esv.to/1Pet5.8

zoom out

Sometimes when life throws curve balls at us, all I want to do is crawl into bed, curl up in a ball, cry and simply give up. (To be honest, when you live in a cold basement, staying in a warm bed sounds so appealing- but that's besides the point). It's a beautiful, yet painful, thing when God is trying to teach you to depend on Him and not on your own strength and circumstances. Although I'm a pretty positive person, often times I find myself focused on the negatives (the realist in me). But in times like these I have to remind myself that I only see a tiny little pixel of a bigger picture. I need to shift my focus from the little pixel, zoom out, and see the bigger picture that He sees. Sometimes I wish I had a zoom-in/zoom-out button in my life:) Although I don't always understand what is going on in my life, my hope is in the One that loves me deeply even when I fail. 

j is for JOY

The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about the word joy. It's been on my mind constantly. I've come to realize that it's not quite the same thing as happy. Joy, being full of joy or being joyful is much deeper and satisfying than being happy. Everyone wants to be happy, right? It is something that drives so much of our decisions. In my mind,  happy is a feeling that comes and goes. It's something that you feel depending on your circumstances. If things are going well, you are happy. If not, then you are unhappy. Joy on the other hand is a choice you make regardless of your circumstances. The bible calls us to rejoice ALWAYS. We all know this. We all know that we have to be joyful in all situations in life. The problem is, sometime we try to take it into our own hands. So many times I find myself trying to live a joyful life on my own efforts. As if I am trying to be the hero of my own life. But the fact is that this life is not our own. We are not our own. This is something I need to remind myself of. Since this is true, I can't rely on my own strength to be joyful. Well, guess what?--that's the beauty of it. I can truly be joyful in ALL stages of my life if I let HIM develop that in me. It's not a feeling. It's much deeper than that. Something that only He can give us. Our true satisfaction comes only from Him. He will fill our cup and our joy will be complete.  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23