{waiting}

This used to be my least favorite word. I would actually get upset with people if they prayed for patience on my behalf. There has always been a negative connotation  with this word for me. But in the last year and a half, it has become my new normal. Actually, it has always been my norm I just never noticed.

Within the last year and a half, God has been revealing things to me and placing certain desires on my heart. Although He reveals and places these things on my heart, I know that He is calling me to wait. Wait for Him to work everything out. He is calling me to wait and not get too ahead of myself and start planning. He wants me to wait for His perfect timing and to trust Him while He is working.

At first this has been so hard because all I wanted to do is claim my promise/'prize' from Him, right here, right now. But I have been learning to trust Him and know that He is in control. He knows and He WILL fulfill His promises but on His timetable. Somehow that has brought me peace. I am ok with waiting as long as He is right next to me. I am ok with waiting as long as I know that I am in His will. So, waiting isn't so hard when you are ok with not being in control. Surrendering all control...now that is the hard part.

Baby steps

I've always heard people say that when you break a bone, your body goes into shock and you don't feel the pain. That concept seemed so odd to me. I understood it but I never experienced it until two months ago when I broke my femur in a skiing accident. It's not that I didn't have any pain, I was just expecting it to be a lot worse. As the nurses were preparing me for the surgery 6 hours after the injury, all I could think about was the waffle fries I had earlier that day. 

The surgery came and went. Everything looked good. I was recovering pretty well. My friends and family came to visit me in the hospital with lots of flowers and gifts. My heart was happy and ready to go home and spend Christmas with my friends. 

I didn't come home until Christmas Eve. At home, everything was going well with the recovery. There was a lot of Netflix and plenty of naps. I was taking my pain killers as directed and was able to eat just fine. 

A few days after I came home, everything started to catch up with me. I started to process the accident and all the implications. Emotions rushed it. I started to bawl like a baby. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. On top of a physical injury, I was struggling emotionally and spiritually. All of a sudden I felt like everything crashed around me. I was believing lies about myself, my friends and life in general. I cried a bit more and then put a Netflix bandaid on the problem and went to bed. 

The next few days were extremely hard as the weakness, pain and nausea started to take over my body. The pain meds were causing bad side effects so I stopped taking them. Every morning I woke up with a migraine. Moving around on my own was not even a possibility as my parents thought I would faint if I was left unattended. I couldn't keep any food done nor did I have the desire to eat. I honestly just wanted to give up right there. That good and positive attitude I had in the beginning, yeah that was long gone! And remember the Netflix bandaid I put on my spiritual and emotional struggles? Well it was starting to come off and needed to be addressed as well. At this point, it has only been a week since the injury and yet I was ready for it all to be over.

That is when it hit me that I am so accustomed to this microwave culture. When I encounter a problem, I want to fix it as soon as possible. I want to see results in an instant. I want to fast forward to the end and be done with it. I don't want to wait.

But this injury has really taught me that sometimes all we can do is take baby steps...and that is OK! I don't know about you but I get so discouraged when I don't see progress. I am reminded over and over that real growth doesn't happen over night. It takes time. It takes a lot of work and often times is very painful. This is not your instant oatmeal, coffee or Instagram (haha). 

So it remains a constant struggle for me. I struggle being ok with baby steps. I struggle with letting God do His work in my life...one step at a time. But I am reminded of His grace and His perfect timing. I know that He never slumbers nor sleeps (Ps 121) and is always working in our lives. It helps to refocus my time and energy on Him and His strength. His mercies are new every morning and we can count on Him to come through everyday. And you know what? When we expect Him to come through, we start to notice Him in the smallest of things. We see little victories throughout the day and they become everything to us as we hold on to His promises and rest in His presence. 

 

May He alone be your Rock and Strength as your trust Him one step at a time!